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I Can Smell The Asparagus

by the stragglers

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1.
Well they told me to look for a girl with more money than brains He said sex was overrated Cash the winning ticket Jump on the train I barely made it this far My decision making's terrible This temperature just makes it too hard I'll keep my options open I'll be patient waiting for an escape Yeah they told me to look for a girl with more money than brains I found what I was looking for It turned out she was twice my age I picked her up in a bar I joked you fell on purpose Just so you could be in my arms I was sold after she told me a storm heard her prayers I know that all my friends are making fun of me My sides are splitting in two My perspective keeps on changing every minute we're exchanging views I hope your dreams come true too Yeah they said if it's love Set her free and she'll come back to you I just don't think I'll feel the same for something that is older and used Don't worry I've got plans I'm spreading propaganda many children ruin the land Blame it on your premature ejaculation again Yeah I know that's it love cause she would break a hip to help plant a tree My friends still think it's funny if her money helps to clean up the sea It seems we're growing apart I have a funny feeling that you're gonna have a big change of heart Mother Nature's pissed She's gonna rip right through to make a fresh start I know that all my friends are making fun of me My sides are splitting in two My perspective keeps on changing every minute we're exchanging views I hope your dreams come true too I know that all my friends are making fun of me But it's too good to be true Recall my goal to try escaping that I sang from the beginning I know that all my friends are making fun of me My sides are splitting in two My perspective keeps on changing every minute we're exchanging views I hope your dreams come true too I hope your dreams come true too I hope your dreams come true too
2.
With the windows down for the summer breeze Was it my red car or tattooed sleeves? It was a clear and sunny day I outran the cops I thank that truck as he blocked the path I took a quick right turn avoided aftermath It was a clear and sunny day I outran the cops Just don't tell my mother And don't tell my girlfriend You know they'll nag and nag me Yeah I won't hear the end Please don't tell your brother I know what he intends to do That dirtbag, rat, cokehead Poor excuse of a friend Mark my fucking words I back tracked through residential streets And I didn't slow down to try and lose the heat Yeah I continued on my way and I didn't stop It wasn't that far from the overpass Yeah I shifted quick and then I hit the gas It was a clear and sunny day I outran the cops Just don't tell my mother And don't tell my girlfriend You know they'll nag and nag me Yeah I won't hear the end Please don't tell your brother I know what he intends to do That dirtbag, rat, cokehead Poor excuse of a friend Mark my fucking words Just don't tell my mother And don't tell my girlfriend You know they'll nag and nag me Yeah I won't hear the end Please don't tell your brother I know what he intends to do That dirtbag, rat, cokehead Poor excuse of a friend Mark my fucking words
3.
Well the man across from me And I know how this seems But I could tell by his tail he was the devil He had two glassy eyes And I swear I saw him cry He was cursing at me calling me an angel So I looked the other way To avoid the demon's gaze And to check out all the rest I was smacked real hard And I fell atop the bar For my eyes fell upon a lady's chest Then I tried to sneak away It was a quick getaway I saw titties in every city down to Bama I knew the trip was long So I was drinking like my mom And I was hacking good old darts just like my grandma Then I wasn't quite specific so I turned for the Pacific It was a lonely drive for me I saw the future It was sad There was a woman fuming mad Of course my dick got me in trouble in the end Oh if ever there was money on the line And the thought of turning back had crossed your mind There are stories to tell from the skeletons of hell And most wish they could have another try Then I met an older man Who had derived a master plan He kept on pleading that he needed to exist He had never travelled south But he had heard by word of mouth That you could buy love at the flick of a wrist It didn't matter it was far But then the rundown rusty car Broke down just past route nine I was stuck in the desert With a stranger and a lizard And some vodka drinks to help us pass the time By the time I had awoke He said the lizard stole my smokes This man appeared to be more clever than he seemed I must have blackened out But I was far too sore to shout Good thing I still had half a tank of gasoline I poured it on the roof Cause there's no way it's fireproof And I sung revenge is sweet Then I torched my ex's car And the fire reached the stars And the smoke brought people out to rescue me Oh if ever there was money on the line And the thought of turning back had crossed your mind There are stories to tell from the skeletons of hell And most wish they could have another try
4.
I'm having an affair I keep complaining that my life's not fair I'll blame it on quarantine The same routine And that I'm constantly looking at screens I'm having an affair I'm gonna find the perfect home wrecker Maybe a divorce On St. Patrick's Day I know my colleague's always looking my way Well I just got back from my daughter's dance class Her teacher sure has a perfect round ass Don't try this at home It takes guts If you're having an affair Well I had an affair I lost everything it's just not fair I lost my beautiful wife Ruined my son's life For a cup of fun and meaningless nights Oh I had an affair People said we were the perfect pair But like a movie scene She broke the window screen And threw my G.I. Joes into the street It's a weekday, I'm back from my favourite bar It helps me forget things I've done so far I've got cans full of cigarette butts As I wallow away in my rut Don't try this at home It takes guts If you're having an affair
5.
I haven't drank in three weeks and my stomach's still turning from the night we spent on the beach I had the same bad dream last night at the edge of the building and I feared you were just out of reach I grabbed your hand as you were falling We jumped aboard on the first boat departing, love It's getting colder now I think I ended up with the flu My chest was out of breath last night I couldn't say one word There was smoke still stuck in my lungs It appears this boat won't hold As if I needed reminders That this old soul's just aboat done I grabbed your hand from the rushing water I even plan to cure you of cancer, love Of course it's raining now A spider's under my shoe You never explained who, why or how I've never seen my body so bruised I did it for true love I did it for true love I did it for true love I did it for true love And I don't know why Everytime I'm locked inside and surrounded by blue sky I cracked the ice Pulled you out from under And I warmed you by the fire Saved your life I fell asleep to our favourite song But the wait until summer was too long for you to go on When I woke I was all alone And I stared at the ceiling And I'm scared that I stared far too long I grabbed your hand from the blood-red water The poor man just lost his daughter, love I found you lying there Your wrists were cut to shreds I had to deal with it It wasn't fair I loved another instead I did it for true love I did it for true love I did it for true love I did it for true love
6.
Buttload 03:04
I've bailed on two occassions I can't keep my concentration My old friend won't call me back He blames those panic attacks It's common knowledge that we fell for all the tricks and the looks I'll bury the hatchet Bury yourself inside a book Was ripped awake from dreaming From my own mind chasing demons I'll find an ounce of sleep But I fear we're both in too deep This is a problem I'm afraid I'm just not able to solve I'll surely burn some bridges No trouble taking the fall My stomach's clear full Well here comes another buttload We're gonna hit the head And raid your bathroom cabinet for pills Just one lorazepam Please knock me out ship me to Brazil And never knowing when I will be woken up next I'm through There's no escape they're on their way And the damage is due I need to book vacation Amidst all this damn frustration My old friend wrote adios He claims my posts are too gross We went to college to compete to see who's in debt the most That's what I get from taking orders from family ghosts I've made some key decisions Tied down with supervision I miss out on all the fun Good thing this run's about done I know it started from the stories of the Barbary Coast I made sure to dress my best And then I buttered her toast This house is clearly full well Here comes another buttload We're gonna hit the head And raid your bathroom cabinet for pills Just one lorazepam Please knock me out ship me to Brazil And never knowing when I will be woken up next I'm through There's no escape they're on their way And the damage is due And the damage is due
7.
A jean jacket is my new style I must admit it took awhile Until a flashback came across clearly A rubber room is for the best With two arms tied around my chest Confinement used to scare the life from me Then you were quick to submit your opinion You didn't even try to see if I was just bored What if my past comes back to haunt me? I'm not afraid of ghosts I've already gone there I had to do it again So if you've got that bug that makes you want to run off It's fine just tell me when I've seen them a few times More than I'd like to admit I'd rather stay at home and catch up on my shows I'm always tired crawling out of this pit A motorbike is my new ride The helmet is a way to hide My face, my age, the bags under my eyes Why the death wish and wrecklessness I'm going fast riding like a squid It happens that it helps the time fly by Then you were quick to give a meaningless opinion I thought that it was obvious that I was just bored What if I snap and lose all compassion? I'm just afraid it's close I've already gone there I had to do it again So if you've got that bug that makes you want to run off The keys are where they've always been I've seen them a few times More than I'd like to admit I'd rather stay at home and play games on my phone One day I'm gonna up and just quit Oh hey hey Everybody's moved away Now, nothing's gonna be the same way Honestly, you gotta tell me why you ever did stay Here, everybody's moved away man Nothing's gonna be the same damn Honestly, you gotta tell me why you ever did stay Hey, everybody's moved away Now, nothing's gonna be the same way Honestly, you gotta tell me why you ever did stay Here, everybody's moved away man Nothing's gonna be the same damn Honestly, you gotta tell me why you ever did stay Hey, everybody's moved away Now, nothing's gonna be the same way Honestly, you gotta tell me why you ever did stay Here, everybody's moved away man Nothing's gonna be the same damn Honestly, you gotta tell me why you ever did stay Hey, everybody's moved away Yeah nothing's gonna be the same Honestly, you gotta tell me why you ever did stay Here, everybody's moved away man Nothing's gonna be the same damn Honestly, you gotta tell me why you ever did stay
8.
Well I bought her a dozen tulips Just to put my hands upon her hips It was the best dance of my life It was the best dance of my life Then I bought her a pink dalilah Hoping my paws would unclip that bar It was the best day of my life It was the best day of my life Let's make this Valentines last a little longer It's quite romantic if join you in the shower I often fantasize about your little sister I pray to god she didn't gain weight in the winter I bought her gladiolus Just to see her areolas It was the best month of my life It was the best month of my life Then I bought her a lovely red rose Just to see her crotchless panty hose It was the best year of my life It was the best year of my life Let's make this Valentines last a little longer It's quite romantic if join you in the shower I often fantasize about your little sister I pray to god she didn't gain weight in the winter
9.
Jaime's Case 02:06
Let me tell you something Bout a boy who's tired of trying Yeah he's kicking and he's screaming If he likes you he'll be something But his walls are being built Atop of crocodile hill Yeah he will keep an eye out for you And be able to see through you The walls were broken before Then they take a little time to restore And although he's turned his back on you There's a secret way to sneak in through He was walking through the city And his headache wasn't leaving So he cut open his stomach And he made a soup bowl from it Then he licked the bowl clean And turned the slightest shade of green Oh no, he couldn't find his good shoes But felt ready for his interview He kicked down the office door And he slid across the wooden floor Laid the biggest kiss on the woman's red lips Spun in circles til he puked in the drawer More mistakes Oh the basketcase Oh no, a little crystal hitting the mark just in Jaime's face The disgraced Oh can't catch a break Oh no, it's even more important to find a little breathing space He couldn't handle all the pressure So he opened even wider All his teeth were feeling tired Out they went with rusty pliars Then he laid there in the basement With his body draped in wet cement He signed his name with full consent Still thinking 'bout the main event A crate showed up at the door With a fragile stamp in red The card read let your garden grow Oh how I'll look beneath the falling snow More mistakes Oh the basketcase Oh no, a little crystal hitting the mark just in Jaime's face The disgraced Oh can't catch a break Oh no, it's even more important to find a little breathing space More mistakes Oh the basketcase Oh no, a little crystal hitting the mark just in Jaime's face The disgraced Oh can't catch a break Oh no, it's even more important to find a little breathing space
10.
11.
Cheap Suit 04:00
With the cards on the table I itch It's been a long, long time My blinds, just watching the turn It turned out for the worst But in a cheap suit I strived And in a cheap suit I buried the kings alive I lost a stack from the math that I did in my head What can you expect if you're hanging on just by a thread Well I'm down but not out and watch out The dealer's armed On my left left his kids in the cold To get this far Here I sit again Beside you Even though I know I've been lied to The law, the lay, the land This hand's my call This is my favourite place I even kept a face Without letting On I had the ace You kept betting I've been here for days I'm gonna risk it all My plan is slowly falling apart I reassure you I'm fine I've tried to curb my habit at best I slip from time to time And in a cheap suit I cried In a cheap suit I laid it all on the line I know just what you're thinking it's true Because I just can't quit Aren't you just a little bit proud It's what I can admit If I can reach my goal then we're gold If not I'll go all in The worst part it drags me down If I don't win Here I sit again Beside you Even though I know I've been lied to The law, the lay, the land This hand's my call This is my favourite place I even kept a face Without letting On I had the ace You kept betting I've been here for days I'm gonna risk it all I'm afraid it's all long gone Here I sit again Beside you Even though I know I've been lied to The law, the lay, the land This hand's my call This is my favourite place I even kept a face Without letting On I had the ace You kept betting I've been here for days I'm gonna risk it all I'm afraid it's all long gone

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released November 25, 2022

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the stragglers London, Ontario

People keep telling us we need to play more shows. We're so sorry. We didn't realize there are rules to playing in a punk band hahahaa

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